Life as We Know it

Whoa! Where do I even begin? I know I have kept a lot of you out of the loop and in total suspense throughout the last couple of weeks and maybe even months. I also know that you can understand that when I don’t share things it is for my own good and others around me BUT now I can finally spill the beans……

Some of you noticed my absence from posting certain things and maybe you recognized my old house in a few stories or photos. A lot of you guessed your best guesses and my patients texted me in a rush for their next treatment just in case I was leaving the state 😂 I am staying put!

Some say that time heals all wounds and I am not sure if that is really true, but absence can make the heart grow fonder and sometimes life has a way of pointing you to what really can make you happy. I 100% know that not everyone reading this believes in God or is skeptical, but that’s ok, this is my story and my testimony and I encourage you to still read on.

I hit rock bottom after my divorce but my social media presence would not indicate to you. I was trying to hold everything together. I was at the lowest of lows. I avoided everything of my old life. I couldn't even listen to the radio because the songs stirred up feelings and took me back down the dark rabbit hole. I grew up in church, was forced to go, saw all of the hypocrisy around church and kept arms length away because religion is touchy and for a lot of my years, wasn’t considered “cool”. Seriously. But I always believed. After the mess surrounding me, I hit my knees in surrender. I felt I had nothing left to lose. There was no other way for me to heal. I tried everything on my own, my own plan failed me, and my life appeared ok, but it was dark. I starting reading, praying, and asking God to pick me up. My specific prayer was “God heal my heart and let your will be done. I am yours. I trust you.”

This rollercoaster went on for about 5 months. Ups and downs occurred daily, I began to run to relieve my anxiety and I would take that time to pray, talk to God, to look around and be thankful that I was alive and breathing. Often times I would be running and crying. I started listening to Christian hits Pandora radio as I ran because like I said, every other station was a trigger for me and left me feeling sorry for myself. Little did I know I would allow myself to hear God the most during those runs and I would pray for signs that he was talking to me and working in my life. Ask and you shall receive. I got God winks and in the craziest ways at the exact moments I needed them. So much so, that I would just be running and laughing or crying again. Remember, I was an emotional wreck.

After the New Year, Rowan’s dad and I started counseling. Side note: Can we stop the stigma of counseling? Like seriously. I think everyone should have it or have had it at some point, especially couples. We plan on it being a monthly thing for us still. Use it as a tool, not a last ditch effort. Ok back to the story….Our intention was to see if we could work as a couple again after a lot of years crap, like a lot of crap. Remember life is HARD. We never set out to get back together for our daughter. If we didn’t reconcile, we would still be great co-parents and excellent communicators, but if we did, we could be stronger than ever. We never told anyone what we were doing except for family and a few close friends. It's unfortunate that we had to keep some things like that private for fear of people trying to break us apart again. But once you recognize the toxic influences from your past, you eliminate them for your future. We started with family dinners. We never broke our divorce schedule with Rowan because again, if it didn’t work out, her world would not be shifted. We then added in date nights. It was like restarting over again to what made us get together in the first place. Why did we choose each other over 12 years ago? I gifted him the same Bible I was reading and began to tell him why I had that untouchable joy and if we were going to work, we had to be on the same page. Not that I made him do anything, but encouraged him to find his own joy first. Remember, NO ONE can make you happy. You have to be happy with yourself and worldly things change daily, they don’t last, they are never fulfilling but only for a second. But the one constant reminder is that God never changes.

I started seeing changes in him and he started seeing changes in me. We kept plugging along. We had a few set backs and a few eye opening events, but I feel that was God healing us individually. I had walls that needed to be broken down and boy did they fall. It wasn’t pretty. We knew that we didn't want to be with anyone else. We have a history. We have a daughter. We have extended family, step children. We looked at homes all Summer but never with the set intention of buying. If you know us, we LOVE looking at houses and remodeling them. It got to the point where we were spending every evening together as a family and I would cook dinner and we would hang out until it was time for bed, then I would go home or vice versa. Again, all for our daughter. Kids like routine and structure, well ours does.

And it went like……

Tuesday I sent him a text of a house that looked neat online. I drove by it since it was close and was like ehhh nope, it’s ugly. Seriously. That evening we looked at the photos online together and agreed that it needed some love but we liked doing that. He suggested that we go look at it. So I called our realtor friend that evening and she said we could see it at 11 am on Wednesday but not before that because it already had a few other showings set up. 11 o’clock we looked at it and surprisingly liked it more than the photos. We saw potential. A new start. We went to lunch and were talking about it over a glass of wine and he said, let’s put in an offer. Shocked, I was like naw it is way too much money for what we want to do with it. Naw there is always something else. Naw I don’t even know why I am talking myself out of anymore because it was uncomfortable. It was the new start I was praying for, but I was scared. Naturally, I prayed all the way to get Rowan from school and all the way home. Talking to God in my head. But maybe if we submit a low offer (like ridiculous) they could counter and we would have our top dollar we wanted to spend and maybe they wouldn’t accept? This house had been on the market for 2 days. After him telling me to submit the crazy low offer, we both agreed to it, and we did it. Totally thinking it would get rejected. Remember my prayers.

That same Wednesday night, they accepted it. Plain and simple. Like what? Are you kidding me? The realtors were in shock and couldn't believe that they accepted it and told us we got an incredible deal. Everyone was in shock. We were so excited. I literally couldn't sleep. So much running through my mind and the dark thoughts immediately come back like the “what ifs” but, I prayed. “If it is your will God, it will be done. Help me trust you.”

The next day I needed to set up and inspection and I was given 3 phone numbers to different companies. I called the third one on the list for some reason. We needed a Wednesday time for the following week as everyone would be off of work. The inspector guy answered the phone and said, “I only have one day available next week and it is Wednesday.” Ha ok God you are good. We will take it I said.

We bought a house. Together. A new start. A fresh beginning. God in the center of it. Because let’s be honest, he broke me to show me HIS plan, not mine. Mine failed me. You can call it what you want. You can say that we made this work for whatever reason or you can convince yourself there are other motives, but if those are your first thoughts, ask yourself “where is my own joy or happiness that I am thinking or wishing bad thoughts on someone else?” Don’t waste your life hating and judging others so that your life is robbed of it’s full potential. If you hear people tearing others down, pray for them. They are hurting.

I look forwards to sharing the upcoming journey with you all and remember life is not perfect. My life is still not perfect. I am here to be a light for anyone going through a hard time to let you know there is hope and a way to a better, more fulfilling life. Please hear my heart on this. You are loved.

I want to send out a huge thank you to my cheerleaders, my supporters, my followers, my family and my dearest friends. The amount of messages I have received in full support of any upcoming endeavor has richly blessed my life. No explanations needed, just prayers and love. So often I have thought of stopping all social media channels but even when I step back from posting fashion things and I switch things up again, your loyalty to me remains. I am grateful to you all for that and know that you have played a part in my healing process. Stay tuned for the renovation and transformation of not only my life but OUR NEW HOUSE!

XOXO

If You Give a Kid a Pickle...

By now you should all know my unhealthily love for McDonalds. Only because I document it far too often on Instagram....but all it took was one trip that taught me a lesson that I will forever be grateful for. Seriously, who goes to a fast food restaurant and thinks that they will leave with anything more than high cholesterol or extra pounds? 😂  I know I didn't, but sometimes things happen in the most unusual ways.

My daughter orders the same thing every time we go to McDonalds. A plain cheeseburger (only pickles) Happy Meal with extra fries and a small strawberry smoothie. It is always a guessing game between us on how many pickles she will get on her sandwich because it always varies. My husband was with us for our weekly Mickey D's run and he was quickly corrected when he tried to change up her order! Haha he lives in a house with very verbal women....poor guy.

So, Rowan gets her Happy Meal, opens up her cheeseburger, and quickly looks to see how many pickles she got. She shouts out "ONE!" I said "What? You were cheated!" She replied and asked me what that meant, the word cheated. And there I was stuck trying to explain the meaning of the word cheated to my 4 year old. Rude awakening. My husband tried to chime in a help pick me up while I stumbled over finding words she would understand. Unfair, deprived, and then I finally resorted to telling her that she should have gotten more than what she got. Her innocence quickly fired back with a "Why Mom? They didn't cheated me, I got one pickle. And it's a really big one too." 

I know I know you all are thinking what the heck does this have to do with anything or who cares, but it was a stop me in my tracks moment and instantly made me change my thinking. Why? Because in that moment I was reminded that my actions and words are shaping this young girl into what she will become. Do I really want her going through life thinking she was cheated because someone didn't give her more pickles on her cheeseburger? I hope you understand my point and where my heart is on this issue. It's not about the pickles at all, it's about everything in life. Why do we feel like we are so mistreated when we don't get exactly what we want when we want it? Why aren't we just thankful that we got one pickle? I scrambled to reply to my daughter that she was so right and how silly that was of me to say! I told her she was so lucky because she got a pickle! Yes, I know we ordered it and so naturally it should be there but when it's not, how do you want your child to react? I want my daughter to eat her cheeseburger no matter what and not think anything of it, like oh well at least I have food. It is not life altering in any way. Or go home and put on your own pickle.

Maybe you are thinking to yourself that this is so dumb and why would you teach your child not to stand up for what she wants or orders? Because life is hard & unfair already, I don't want her to constantly find the bad in everything she does. She will be let down so many times I won't be able to save her every time, but I can teach her how to think differently about things and situations, just like she taught me in that McDonalds drive thru. 

I remember before I was a mother, there was this great debate about all participating children receiving trophies instead of just the winners. I am not here to debate what is right and wrong, but I grew up not getting anything if we didn't win, but that just pushed me to practice more, try harder and to be a better teammate so we could win something. Too many times these days we expect handouts from life and when they don't come, we fall into a mood where we feel like a failure. Trust me, I have felt like this a lot and especially now as a mother and a wife. It doesn't have to be something great and grand to teach your children important lessons in life, or I guess it applies to adults to in this case. I am constantly learning from her. The spirit of a child is so innocent and pure. The joy they have where they just can't walk into the store, they have to skip, jump or twirl the entire way there. The way they love is so raw. They really love with everything they have because they know no different. So the next time you are walking into Target and your child is holding your hand, yanking it in every direction because they are skipping, look down and smile and maybe start to skip with them. Or the next time the waiter forgets something, teach them to look for the positive or ask politely. Find good in every situation and use the failures to teach valuable lessons. I now smile and wait for her to tell me how many pickles she got on her sandwich, because I know she is going to be thrilled either way. Today she got one again....and one big one. 

Start to treat people with the type of love you want people to treat you or your child with. Trust me, love can and will change the world. XO

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. Love your neighbors as yourself. There is no other commandment greater that these." Matthew 22 37-39

I am Nothing like the Mother I Wanted to be

Go back to the time before you had a child. Did you envision what your life would look like, the kind of mom you would turn out to be? Whether you wanted to be like your mom or nothing like her? You probably had at least one unrealistic expectation of becoming a mother. I did. Some days I am a rockstar and other days I ride the struggle bus.....all day long and I will be the first to admit it.

I had dreams of the perfect birth, the baby boy that I was going to have, his name, what things he would do as a child, and all of the cute things I would dress him in. I prayed and prayed for that child to come when I wanted it to. But prayer doesn't work like that, and it's a good thing it doesn't. I wanted to be just like my mom and have the kind of relationship with my child that we have today. It's like that fairytale life that doesn't exist except for in the movies, which forces us to believe that what we are living and doing is much less exciting or important. And a lot of the times we believe it.

I am a labor nurse (just not practicing) and I have watched hundreds of women give birth to babies and their expectations are sometimes shattered. It's reality. I had to take medication to get pregnant with my child and no one plans for that. Our bodies are supposed to know how to make babies right? Like everyone else can without issue. But no one likes talking to you about the difficult stuff, and if they do, it scares you into going to the crazy side where you then Google every scenario possible, then bawl. I was lucky enough to get pregnant, give birth via c-section, and now I am trying to keep this child alive on a daily basis.

I started reading books on how to properly bring up a child. I read the book, Bringing up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman. After finishing the book I swore up and down I would never give my daughter snacks. HAHAHA right. I literally reached for every "right" way to parent and what was going to make me appear to be a "good mom". I had access to every thing possible during my pregnancy being the wife of an OBGYN physician . You know all of those ultrasounds where you could see your baby, their sweet facial expressions, and then find out the sex before anyone else can? Yeah well, my husband improperly informed me at 14 wks when he thought it was a boy on ultrasound, and I actually saw it too. Damn cord. Because at 19 weeks it was clearly not the vision I had imagined. A girl. What in the hell was I going to do with a girl? I didn't want that or know how to do that. I didn't want to raise a child who could potentially go through all of the pain and heartache I thought I had as a child, or the drama in school. I didn't want her to be like me. And on top of that, my stubborn little girl never showed me her face the entire time she was in my belly, not even once. She always had her hands by her face, the exact way she still sleeps to this day.

I thank God every single day for ignoring my selfish behavior and blessing me with a daughter. I had no idea what I was missing out on, but she is everything I needed and more. I thought I would dress her to the nines and make sure that she didn't leave the house without looking her best. Don't get me wrong, she has nice things and I do try to make sure she is bathed, but she also has a personality that is much bigger than my attempts to "perfect" her. I thought I would be the controlling, bossy mom that wanted everything to be in line and orderly, but that all went out the window pretty quickly after she was born. I allow her to pick out her sometimes hideous outfits, I run errands with her in no shoes, and if the fight is too much to brush her hair.....it goes unbrushed. No one dies. I think I became the mom who was just trying to survive at some point. I know that some older moms reading this are laughing and wanting to tell me that it will all be ok. I know it will be. How can you even reason with a toddler or child? They believe the know everything and sometimes that is a good thing because it forces me take a step back and ask myself, does it really matter? More than one case, it doesn't. She knows how to use her manners, share with her friends, and she is kind. Isn't that considered some success?

It was against ALL of the rules to ever let your child sleep with you. Every parent and non-parent will advise you of the havoc it could have on your life. We had strict sleeping rules right up until 6 weeks of age, that's right, 6 weeks, then she became a permeant part of our bed. Still is, no matter how much I bribe her with a new room or a new bed. So now I enjoy a kick to the side and a slap in the face almost every night, but I wouldn't change it. I smell her sweet smell, I remember her breathing patterns, and I cherish that quiet time where I can thank God for her. Take it in because it doesn't last forever. She told my husband the other day she will get her own room when she is 18 

I thought I would be the most organized mom, photos every 3 months, baby book all decked out in her biggest accomplishments, sort of like a brag book. But the reality is I finally just got her 4 year old photos taken and the last entry in her baby book was when she was........ONE 😬 I guess my focus wasn't on those things and still isn't. I hope one day she doesn't ask me why I never completed her baby book up to age 5 like it allows for, and my answer may just be that it doesn't matter that much. I enjoyed every milestone with her, watching her grow and I remember the most important memories without having to read her baby book. Just because I chose not to scrap book like Martha Stewart, doesn't make me less of a mom. I feel like we all sort of loose our focus when we try to do what we think is right or what society expects of us. What if we had no expectations for ourselves? Do you think we would and could be better parents? I am so unorganized that I am thankful her school is only 5 minutes from my house so when I forget to bring 7 cheerios in a snack baggie with a perfect little label on it, I can run home and throw something together. I thought I would magically acquire patience and understanding. I loose my patience so fast still and it is something I constantly work on, but it's because I have these unrealistic expectations of my toddler that she is to behave like an adult in public for fear of being judged by other people. I am learning to let go.

I thought I would be the healthy advocate or the mom who pushed her daughter to do the activities that I loved. I am neither. Honestly the thought of being so booked up with her activities gives me anxiety. Of course I will put her in whatever activity that she chooses to do or try, but there will be limits. My daughter is tall and skinny. She was born 4 weeks early and has been on her own curve since then. Despite my efforts to make her part of the "normal" curve, she just isn't. So when she wants to eat a cookie for breakfast, somedays that is what she gets and we frequent McDonalds way more than the average human should but who cares? In the grand scheme of things, these are not priorities, at least to me. It is ok if they are yours, I am the last person to judge anyone, I promise you that! But I do challenge you to take a step back and look at what your visions were for your life and as a mother, then compare them to where you are today. 

It's okay to have that "dream" busted. I think it's better that way. If I would have gotten the exact thing I thought I wanted, my life would not be what it is right now. I would not have the richness and the learning experiences that I have had. I have made PLENTY of mistakes but that is life. My daughter is happy and loved. That is really all I could ask for right now.I want you to go back through your photos of when your child or children were born, then follow them until you reach where they are today. iPhoto makes this extremely easy to do and when I did it, my heart was reminded of all of the love that I have in my life. Remember that time you expected something more than what you got? I guarantee looking back on it now, it doesn't even really matter in this present moment. Try it. Looking at my daughter now, it is impossible to ever think I would want her to be something different than she is right now. 

Happy Mother's Day. The greatest gift of all is LOVE